Odd Tuck Everlasting Fic
by Ravensmyst
Summary: A very odd fic I wrote with my brother... R&R, you might find it amusing...or slightly disturbing...
1. Default Chapter

When Mae Tuck saw Winnie and Jesse together, her face went bleak, and her hand flew to her bosom, grasping at the old brooch that fastened her shawl. " 'Well boys,' she said, 'Here it is, the worst is happening at last."

"We're out of cheez crunchies!"

"Nooooooo!" Jesse and Miles cried in unison. "We'll starve!"

"Oh well," Jesse said reasonably. "We could always eat the girl."

Winnie looked at him with fear in her eyes. "You wouldn't dare! If you kill me my Papa will be sure to- to catch you and- you'll be hanged!"

Mae smiled menacingly. "Hangings won't do us no harm. And besides, we ain't gonna kill you. Are we boys?"

"Oh, no," Miles said with a gleam in his eye. "I like my food raw."

Winnie screamed, turning on her heel and running into none other than Angus Tuck, and he was brandishing a butcher's knife!

_Well, _Winnie thought to herself, _Like my Papa (who is a lawyer) always says, "If you can't win a tough case with the truth, stretching the truth is the next best thing!" _Winnie forced herself to smile. Another phrase of her father's came to her mind- _"If you lie, work with what they give you. It will make it more believable." _What had they given her, besides the knowledge that they were crazed cannibals with a love for Cheez Crunchies? _Hangings won't do us no harm. _Winnie forced herself to act natural. Of course they couldn't _really_ live forever, Winnie knew that. But they were obviously disturbed in their minds. They certainly seemed to _believe_ they could live forever. _Well, _Winnie thought, _Work with what you've got. _ "I can live forever, uh, too, you know."

They stared at her, shocked. "How did you know we could live forever?"

"Ummmm, I could see it in your eyes. Yeah, that's it. Once you live forever this long you get to, er, just be able to _see_ it in people, you know? You know, _I've _been living forever, um, longer than _you._"

They stared at her blankly. Then Miles said, with a sneer, "I don't believe 'er. She's too young to have been livin' forever."

Winnie didn't have time to marvel at his nonsensical logic. They were advancing on her and she had to act fast. Then an idea came to her- Shock and Awe. "Boom!" she yelled as she dashed further into the forest. Miles started after her, but Jesse stopped him. "She won't last long in there. Remember…_him?_" They cackled evilly. "Oh, no. She won't last long."

Winnie kept on running and didn't stop. Finally, she came to a clearing. A man was sitting there, looking quite peaceful. He had a yellow hat on. As she approached, he opened his eyes and smiled at her. "Hi," she said. "Are you the Man In The Yellow Suit? I heard you show up in this book."

"No," he replied. "You had the bad luck to be snatched out of your deep, thought-provoking book and stuck in this ridiculous fan fiction. The authors have horribly abused the right to use these characters as long as no money is made and have twisted them to their insane whims. I'm The Man In The Yellow Hat. You know, from Curious George?"

"Oh, yeah," said Winnie. "I loved that book when I was little."

"Hi!" said a voice. Winnie saw that it was coming from a small monkey. "I didn't know that Curious George could talk," she said.

"I'm not just any old curious George," replied the monkey. "I'm a politically incorrect cross between a loveable monkey who gets into mischief and a bumbling president whose curiosity got him into trouble with Iraq!" They all turned as they heard a voice with a speech impediment behind them.

"Oh, hewwo," said a white, marshmellow-y looking thing in a red shirt and a baseball cap. "I'm Homestar Runner!"

"What is a humorous character produced on the animation program Macromedia Flash doing here?"

"Oh, I'm just dropping by because the authors like my site! Www. Homestarrunner.net!" (Voice from off-scene whispers, "It's dot com!") "Oh, right! Homestarrunner.net- 'It's dot com!' Well, bye! The only reason I'm in this fan fiction is…well, okay there really is no reason. Bye!"

"Bye!" AUTHOR'S NOTE: We just _had_ to put him in. Well, back to the most incoherent and twisted fan fic you will ever read!

Winnie was so dumbfounded that she absentmindedly took out the ring she had received for her birthday from a midget named Frodo. She realized with a start that Curious George Bush and the Man In the Yellow Hat were staring greedily at it. Winnie began fumbling with it, trying to hide it; but it was too late: The ring had corrupted them. The Man In the Yellow Hat ripped his shirt off and became, **THE HULK!!!!!!!**

Mae stared at her two boys quizzically. "What did you mean, 'him'? Who is _'him'_?"

            "Aw, no one Ma. We were just bein' melodramatic."

            "Well, then I think it's high time you two boys went off to get our dinner.  Imagine, lettin' her escape like that just for the sake of drama and plot. Well, go on! Git along now. I said GET!"

            Miles and Jesse hung their heads. "Yes, Ma." They started off. Suddenly Miles stopped. "Wait, we need a weapon."

            "Will this do?" Jesse asked, extracting a sword from a nearby stone. A heavenly light fell on him as a deep voice proclaimed, "JESSE TUCK, YOU HAVE TAKEN THE SWORD FROM THE STONE. I NOW PROCLAIM YOU KING." A golden crown set with many jewels materialized on Jesse's head.

            Jesse grinned foolishly. "Lookit me, Ma! I'm King!"

            Miles drew close, entranced by the crown. It was so shiny. "That crown sure is purdy," he mumbled, reaching out to touch the glimmering gold.

            Jesse slapped his hand away. "Don't touch it! It's mine, I'm the king!"

            "Don't you be getting' a swelled head now, son," said Angus Tuck. He too was eyeing the crown.

            "If you're king," Mae suddenly exclaimed, "that makes us the royal family!"

            The family began to dance. "We're gonna be roy-al. We're gonna be roy-al." But beneath the jovial atmosphere, the others felt a stab of jealousy for Jesse. It was especially hard for Miles, being the eldest son and all. He swore silently that it would be he in the end who was king. Scary music plays in background. Oh, the suspense!


	2. The Madness Continues

Author's Note: Yes, it's what you've all been waiting for (or dreading)- the newest installment of my Odd Tuck Everlasting Fic! How long has it been…? (Tries to count on fingers but gives up) Anyway, have no fear because the third installment is underway! Wait- 'have no fear'? Let me rephrase that- be very, very afraid.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this fan fiction. Except for the two men in lab coats.      

The Hulk gave a mighty bellow. Winnie prepared for battle. Suddenly, they were interrupted by a high-pitched scream. Their eyes followed a terrified Snow White as she tore through the clearing, pausing only to let one of her woodland friends alight on her finger. After apologizing for the trouble she'd caused, she dashed away, clear out of the pages of this story. But not for the last time!

Winnie and the Hulk faced each other once again. "Let us continue, if you please," suggested the Hulk courteously. 

"WINNIE SMASH!" came the blunt reply.

Finding her inner core, Winnie felt herself rise from the ground. Time seemed to slow as the two prepared for what promised to be a battle of epic proportions; a showdown with pages and pages of flowing, descriptive prose. Just then, the authors stopped for a bathroom break and a bag of crunchy M&M's. When they returned, the battle was over, with Winnie as the victor. Sniggering, she admired her prize in the sunlight.

_"My precious," _she murmured to herself.

Suddenly with a deafening screech, Curious George Bush leapt from the ground, gnawing off Winnie's left index finger. A yawning pit opened in the earth, and CGB fell screaming into the fires of Mordor. 

Winnie didn't even notice the missing digit. She was still admiring the ring, which was clutched in her right hand. Just then, a squirrel came up and stole the ring. So much for that.

Just then, a tall man stepped out of the bushes. He looked very regal in his long white beard and flowing robes. He held his staff toward the heavens. 

"The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!"

Two men in white lab coats appeared soon after. "Sir, it's time for your shots."

"Spies of Saruman! I should have known." The old man dashed off, the two men following wearily.

Winnie was gazing at the bloodied stump of her finger. "I never did like animals," eyeing the pit where Curious George Bush had met his end with distaste. "Or politics, for that matter."

"Want some antiseptic?" offered The Man In The Yellow Hat, producing a First Aid Kit.

"Yes, please," said Winnie. "And then lunch. I'm starving."

**********

Meanwhile, the Tucks were still celebrating when a white-haired man stumbled into the clearing, a crazed look in his eyes. It was Jesse who approached him.

"What ails you, good citizen?"

"All of middle earth is in great danger!" the man cried, flecks of spittle flying from his mouth. His eyes shifted suspiciously, his gaze roving about the clearing. "Be careful what you say! The Eye of Sauron is near!" 

Jesse stepped back from the senile old man in horror and disgust. "Guards! Seize him!"

Just then two men in white emerged from the dense foliage. They grabbed their quarry, looking exhausted but relieved. The old man twisted in their grip, dragging his feet and trying to get away. "No, you don't understand!" he screamed. "The race of men must join the battle!"

Suddenly the man slumped as the needle entered his arm.

"Good work, Rob," one man in white remarked, as they started dragging the man's crumpled body all the way back to The Happy Valley Institution.


	3. Chapter 3, a rather short chapter with a...

            Winnie and The Man In The Yellow Hat (or TMITYH when the Authors get sick of typing) had just sat down to a hearty meal of acorns, slow-roasted squirrel, and three-course fine dining. It's amazing what you can find in a forest, if you know where to look. In this case, Winnie and TMITYH had looked under a conspicuous neon sign that proclaimed, "Cheep Food Here". They were both looking forward to some peace and relaxation, and maybe a trip to one of those Mountain Getaway Spas. Unfortunately, it was not to be.

            Their first clue that something was amiss was the disturbance of a small flock of yellow-throated twin-tailed red-backed Eastern American Warblers. Their second clue was not so subtle—a large, pink elephant barreled into the clearing. They had only enough time to look shocked before they were met with another surprise. A strange man clad in nothing but a small loincloth came swinging into the clearing, uttering an unearthly cry. He landed in front of them, puffing out his chest in a manly way.

            "Me Tarzan," he announced proudly.

            "If you come to this country, at least learn the language," Winnie snapped.

TMITYH looked faintly appalled. The creature before him was in dire need of a bath and a shave. "Honestly," he muttered. "I thought they were cracking down on the homeless population."

"Me Tarzan," the hygienically challenged man proclaimed again, more loudly this time. He seemed miffed by their lack of recognition. He puffed out his chest further. Suddenly the large elephant turned to face him.

Tarzan paled considerably. "Tantor, no!" He backed away slowly as the pigment-impaired creature advanced. "It wasn't real ivory, it was-" but it was too late. Tantor swiftly skewered the hapless barbarian, to much cheering and applause from the Authors, who found that Tarzan had overstayed his welcome in their story. Besides, Tarzan jokes can only go so far before becoming repetitive.

The beast then turned his massive head to Winnie and TMITYH, who hurriedly began to retreat. It opened its jaws and-

"I'm sorry you had to see that," apologized Tantor in a meek voice.

"It's OK," Winnie assured him. "That guy was getting on my nerves."

TMITYH, however, seemed to pale even further. "The elephant- it's talking…"

"After spending all your time with a talking monkey, you'd think you'd be used to that kind of thing," remarked Winnie with a sigh.

"What monkey?"

But Winnie did not get the chance to reply, because at that moment came crashing through the underbrush.

Fill in the blank with any creature you want. Heck, you can imagine benign powder-blue bunnies if you like. We don't care. But the Authors are feeling lazy and we need some reason to move the plot out of this damn clearing. Readers gasp and quickly censor the offending word Sorry. We need some reason to move the plot out of this damn _location._

Winnie and TMITYH stared at the benign powder-blue bunnies in terror. They snarled and charged. And so did the bunnies.

"Quick!" yelled Tantor. "Onto my back!"

Winnie and TMITYH scrambled astride just in time. Tantor screwed his eyes shut. "I _think _I can, I _think _I can!" and with a mighty flap of his ears, they lifted from the ground.

"I'm flying!" Tantor exclaimed with glee.

"We're flying!" Winnie exclaimed in wonder.

"We're _flying_," moaned TMITYH, who was afraid of heights.

And with that, they soared into the sunset.

A/N: Well, for those of you who read this before 6/20/04, you may be interested to know I have FINALLY fixed the formatting on the first chapter. Sorry this chapter was so short, but I DO have updates on the way. SOON. In fact I actually have the next chapter planned out (gasp Planning ahead! That's a first!); all I have to do is write it. Of course, knowing me and my laziness… Besides, when has planning ever worked out for me before?


End file.
